rant and rave 9/27

My Week:I am struggling to find out who I am. I don’t know where I come from. I am more eager now than ever to attempt to find out due to the number of remaining family that is dying. I visited my grandpa’s mother’s grave. I never got the chance to meet her. I am barely starting to hear stories about her. But, the wave of emotion that took over me as I sat with her was a lot to take in. She was alone, no spouse beside her and no place for other family to be laid beside her. I felt sorry for her. From what I have been told, she wasn’t the nicest person to be in company with. She was mean to her grandchildren. She would call them names or criticize their character every time she came in contact with them. It hurt them even worse when she could only insult them in Spanish [not knowing English] and they [only knowing English] could not understand her. But there she lies, alone and no trace of there have been any recent visitors. It made me think about my mom. How one day I will be visiting her. The difference will be that her resting place with always be filled flowers and cards and letters. I will make sure she is constantly reminded on how much she will be missed. With that visit taking place, my mom tried to talk to her husband about his funeral. Since his secrets became exposed to MY SIDE of the family, he expresses a grudge towards them. I seriously can NOT stand this guy. My family has had to bite their tongue so many times with all of the stuff he’s pulled. But yet, being raised the right way, they always come out the bigger people. He has the nerve to talk poorly about them and yet on Thanksgiving and Christmas he shows up like clockwork. Always just in time for dinner. He eats their food and drinks their drinks and accepts their presents. Chewing away as he looks at them with disrespect, hate, and prejudice. It takes a special kind of character to pull that off, and to think he had accepted the job of raising children. Anyway, he made this comment and it makes me sick to my stomach to replay the words in my head but I cannot help it. “There is going to be a sign at my funeral reading: NO MEXICANS ALLOWED”. A man like that should seriously be taken out to the pastures and dealt with. And I am sorry to announce that there is more where that came from. He had to learn that talk from someone. His mom and sisters and brothers are all on that same page. I don’t claim to know them and I most certainly don’t claim to be related. This is also the reason I am so eager to find out about my family. I also keep thinking about my mom. I am a little worried about her. She keeps renting these movies that all deal with death. I think she is taking mental notes on how to deal with it herself. I keep trying to act like I don’t notice her pattern, but today I couldn’t help but ask if she was aware of it. She starting crying and just said that she was attracted to them. She is also losing confidence in her doctors. One [her liver specialist] is kind of hard to get a hold of. She has filed for state disability retirement and the CALPERS office needs some information that for some reason, had been hard to retrieve from him. The CALPERS [co. in charge of the claim] tries to reach him and can’t get connect, we try and get the same result. He also spreads her appointments out months apart, and she doesn’t feel he is taking her seriously. I am not too worried though. I think that if he was really allowing patient’s needs to fall through the cracks, he wouldn’t have a practice to maintain. It’s becoming more of a challenge for me to be strong for her. I want to hug her and cry with both tears of sadness and joy. I want to tell her how much I appreciate her spending so much time with me. I want her to know that I don’t take one second of her time for granted. I get frustrated with her disease sometimes for butting in on our time with its fatigue, and I want her to understand that the frustration is nowhere near being close to being with her. I want her to feel how proud I am of her to trying to protect my brother and me with her bravery. I want her to know that her efforts are not unnoticed and most importantly not unappreciated. Since I have two terminally ill parents whose disease involves a great amount of fatigue, and a brother holding a DUI title, I am the only one in this house with the ability to drive. I hate driving and it’s taking a toll on my person. I can feel myself aging with the stress and frustrations with the road. It also has taken over my life schedules. I no longer have my own personal free time. I can’t just go anywhere at any time anymore, it has to revolve around appointments and work schedules and school schedules. I am just ranting and raving a little right now, in the morning I will be back as the go getting taxi driver. I really don’t mind taking my mom and brother places, because I know that they would do it for me. To sum up the week, it has ended with yet another night of my “father” messing up. He was supposed to visit his mom in Riverside from Thursday until Sunday, but as usual, he’ll go tomorrow and tomorrow and forget it. My mom, brother and I arrived home tonight with him and his friend engaging in a YOUTUBE party. I curse the day my brother showed him that website, it’s all he ever does. Sit his good for nothing lard ass in the computer seat playing every hippie music video he can find. And he found a friend who enjoys them as much as he. There they sat, with their beer cans in hand, drinking the night away. They sat there for hours and then somehow arrived out in the backyard. They were talking so loud and yes it is a Friday night but he made himself look stupid. Last night he yelled at our neighbor because his dog is ALWAYS barking. And there he sat at midnight talking in concert voices. I went out to ask him to lower it down a notch, the boozie couldn’t even connect eyes with me and his friend was too busy smoking weed to notice I was in the doorway. I rolled my eyes and went to bed. It was at 2:30 am that he stumbled in my room looking for his puppy. I had mine, and in a pissed off no mood for his b.s tone, I told him that I didn’t have his dog. He turned to exit my room and under his breath said “well F*** you”. I laughed to myself. He isn’t even man enough to say it to my face. He is a coward. He is an idiot. Once again he can’t locate where he is in the wrong. His son just got a DUI and he displays himself in a drunken state. He refuses to be a responsible role model. It is 3:45am and I am wide awake. It is amazing to me how someone can be so ignorant. I am sad for my mom who when tried to seek a divorce lawyer, was advised not attempt that road due to her illness. She should be able to live worry free and not ashamed. Due to that man, no one visits anymore. Family and friends don’t want to be around him so we are lonely. However, we manage to get out once in a while for the sake of our sanity. Like the Getty, it’s on her bucket list. We can’t wait to go. See you all soon and thanks for listening.

Re: Mj Vs Kobe

“Is it fair to try to measure what’s inside someone’s chest or between their ears when so many other factors can potentially dictate an outcome?” – Stephen A. SmithDoesn’t this go along with the phrase, “Don’t judge a book by its cover”? Aren’t we taught not to do this during our whole upbringing? I feel that there are too many pressures for one to be perfect. One is bound to crack or be caught in a point of weakness at least once during their life. And things are only going to get worse. I’m not sports literate by any means, so I’m going to relate to this totally different.I don’t mean to keep putting my family on center stage but my brother would be a good example for this one. Thursday night [September 18th 2008] my twin got his first DUI. So many things went wrong for him that night. He wasn’t supposed to drive that night. The plan was that his best friend Dustin was in charge of that. Dustin sports a single cab, two seated, Chevy Colorado. So when Dustin started inviting all of their other friends, his car was no longer suitable. Erik, [my brother] HAD a SUV that seated 7. Erik was quickly nominated to be the driver of the night. He agreed only with the terms that he be reimbursed with gas money [which never happened]. He loaded his car and they set off for the worst night of their lives. First destination was Johnny’s Bar in Huntington Beach. They met up with friends already there, celebrating a birthday. They drank way too much and got the boot from Johnny’s. One had a desire to try their luck at a strip club in La Habra, so they took off swerving to a place four cities away. They proceeded to get kicked out of Taboo as well. Just then, Joy called and wanted to party with them too. They jumped in the car, speeding and swerving toward Silver Lake to pick her up. It was amazing that they made it that far without A) getting caught and B) hurting someone. It was the right turn leading into Dustin’s neighborhood [the place they were to stay and sum up their night of partying] that was does them in. Attempting a sharp right hand turn going 60 mph, my brother jumped the center divider and took out a “NO U-TURN” sign. The tires screeched, the contact made a bang, the air bags deployed, and the lights started flashing. Just as their world literally spun out of control, two cops just happened to be patrolling the neighborhood. My brother was taken in where he would spend the remainder of the night in a jail cell. The pressures to be perfect or that shining star isn’t at home. It’s within his group of friends. Erik is the party guy. The guys that everyone wants to know or have people know that they know him. They constantly call him to meet up a bar or party or work party. Younger idiots tell him that he’s their idol. [He is everything to me] but there’s nothing really that separates him from anyone you meet. Maybe it’s the occupation [Pirate, at Pirate’s Dinner and Adventure], or the rat tail [that everyone attempts to grow after seeing him], or the bands he’s played in or hangs out with. If he was cool before, the DUI doesn’t make him any cooler. He realizes that it’s not worth it. His friends could have gotten really hurt that night. And if they were his friends at all they wouldn’t have let him drive like that. The parties may be a blast that night, but not so much as hugging the toilet bowl is the next morning. Erik is tired of trying to keep up with his friends. He lost himself for a minute. This isn’t who he is. In one night, Erik went from the guy with the looks, the car, and the time; to the guy without car, whose money will go towards the DUI, and the time will be spent in alcoholic classes and AA. Which makes him that less attractive to the potential single female.In regards to Kobe, maybe he isn’t the speech giving, ass slapping, cheer leading, role model that everyone wants him to be. To me, there isn’t anything wrong with just being a great athlete on a great team. He doesn’t need to be MJ. He needs to concentrate on being Kobe Bryant. When we start trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations is where we get into trouble. Sandra was strong enough to stay true to herself and not try to be like her brothers. She succeeded and in the end everything worked out. Professor Hsiao, you mentioned that there is a tie to everything and I know you were referring to the blogs but I am seeing one in the class discussions and assignments. The constant energy you keep going in the class is inspiring. I look forward to class every Monday and Wednesday. =)