rant and rave 9/27

My Week:I am struggling to find out who I am. I don’t know where I come from. I am more eager now than ever to attempt to find out due to the number of remaining family that is dying. I visited my grandpa’s mother’s grave. I never got the chance to meet her. I am barely starting to hear stories about her. But, the wave of emotion that took over me as I sat with her was a lot to take in. She was alone, no spouse beside her and no place for other family to be laid beside her. I felt sorry for her. From what I have been told, she wasn’t the nicest person to be in company with. She was mean to her grandchildren. She would call them names or criticize their character every time she came in contact with them. It hurt them even worse when she could only insult them in Spanish [not knowing English] and they [only knowing English] could not understand her. But there she lies, alone and no trace of there have been any recent visitors. It made me think about my mom. How one day I will be visiting her. The difference will be that her resting place with always be filled flowers and cards and letters. I will make sure she is constantly reminded on how much she will be missed. With that visit taking place, my mom tried to talk to her husband about his funeral. Since his secrets became exposed to MY SIDE of the family, he expresses a grudge towards them. I seriously can NOT stand this guy. My family has had to bite their tongue so many times with all of the stuff he’s pulled. But yet, being raised the right way, they always come out the bigger people. He has the nerve to talk poorly about them and yet on Thanksgiving and Christmas he shows up like clockwork. Always just in time for dinner. He eats their food and drinks their drinks and accepts their presents. Chewing away as he looks at them with disrespect, hate, and prejudice. It takes a special kind of character to pull that off, and to think he had accepted the job of raising children. Anyway, he made this comment and it makes me sick to my stomach to replay the words in my head but I cannot help it. “There is going to be a sign at my funeral reading: NO MEXICANS ALLOWED”. A man like that should seriously be taken out to the pastures and dealt with. And I am sorry to announce that there is more where that came from. He had to learn that talk from someone. His mom and sisters and brothers are all on that same page. I don’t claim to know them and I most certainly don’t claim to be related. This is also the reason I am so eager to find out about my family. I also keep thinking about my mom. I am a little worried about her. She keeps renting these movies that all deal with death. I think she is taking mental notes on how to deal with it herself. I keep trying to act like I don’t notice her pattern, but today I couldn’t help but ask if she was aware of it. She starting crying and just said that she was attracted to them. She is also losing confidence in her doctors. One [her liver specialist] is kind of hard to get a hold of. She has filed for state disability retirement and the CALPERS office needs some information that for some reason, had been hard to retrieve from him. The CALPERS [co. in charge of the claim] tries to reach him and can’t get connect, we try and get the same result. He also spreads her appointments out months apart, and she doesn’t feel he is taking her seriously. I am not too worried though. I think that if he was really allowing patient’s needs to fall through the cracks, he wouldn’t have a practice to maintain. It’s becoming more of a challenge for me to be strong for her. I want to hug her and cry with both tears of sadness and joy. I want to tell her how much I appreciate her spending so much time with me. I want her to know that I don’t take one second of her time for granted. I get frustrated with her disease sometimes for butting in on our time with its fatigue, and I want her to understand that the frustration is nowhere near being close to being with her. I want her to feel how proud I am of her to trying to protect my brother and me with her bravery. I want her to know that her efforts are not unnoticed and most importantly not unappreciated. Since I have two terminally ill parents whose disease involves a great amount of fatigue, and a brother holding a DUI title, I am the only one in this house with the ability to drive. I hate driving and it’s taking a toll on my person. I can feel myself aging with the stress and frustrations with the road. It also has taken over my life schedules. I no longer have my own personal free time. I can’t just go anywhere at any time anymore, it has to revolve around appointments and work schedules and school schedules. I am just ranting and raving a little right now, in the morning I will be back as the go getting taxi driver. I really don’t mind taking my mom and brother places, because I know that they would do it for me. To sum up the week, it has ended with yet another night of my “father” messing up. He was supposed to visit his mom in Riverside from Thursday until Sunday, but as usual, he’ll go tomorrow and tomorrow and forget it. My mom, brother and I arrived home tonight with him and his friend engaging in a YOUTUBE party. I curse the day my brother showed him that website, it’s all he ever does. Sit his good for nothing lard ass in the computer seat playing every hippie music video he can find. And he found a friend who enjoys them as much as he. There they sat, with their beer cans in hand, drinking the night away. They sat there for hours and then somehow arrived out in the backyard. They were talking so loud and yes it is a Friday night but he made himself look stupid. Last night he yelled at our neighbor because his dog is ALWAYS barking. And there he sat at midnight talking in concert voices. I went out to ask him to lower it down a notch, the boozie couldn’t even connect eyes with me and his friend was too busy smoking weed to notice I was in the doorway. I rolled my eyes and went to bed. It was at 2:30 am that he stumbled in my room looking for his puppy. I had mine, and in a pissed off no mood for his b.s tone, I told him that I didn’t have his dog. He turned to exit my room and under his breath said “well F*** you”. I laughed to myself. He isn’t even man enough to say it to my face. He is a coward. He is an idiot. Once again he can’t locate where he is in the wrong. His son just got a DUI and he displays himself in a drunken state. He refuses to be a responsible role model. It is 3:45am and I am wide awake. It is amazing to me how someone can be so ignorant. I am sad for my mom who when tried to seek a divorce lawyer, was advised not attempt that road due to her illness. She should be able to live worry free and not ashamed. Due to that man, no one visits anymore. Family and friends don’t want to be around him so we are lonely. However, we manage to get out once in a while for the sake of our sanity. Like the Getty, it’s on her bucket list. We can’t wait to go. See you all soon and thanks for listening.